Wednesday, 20 January 2016
It has been revealed that this year’s recipient of the annual NME Coldplay-like Genius Award will be God.
God’s achievements stretch far and wide; His propensity to answer our prayers while being an all-forgiving omnipresent deity is widely considered almost as impressive as the uplifting crescendo bit on ‘Clocks’. Furthermore, His sacrificing His only son for the sins of mankind is about as moving as the uplifting crescendo bit on ‘Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall’, while His creation of the entire world in just six days is nearly on a par with the uplifting crescendo bit on ‘Fix You’.
Past winners of the NME Coldplay-like Genius Award have included Buddha, Shiva, Vishnu, Thor, Allah, Ian Brown, Jupiter and His Infernal Majesty Satan The Prince Of All Darkness.
Wednesday, 6 January 2016
Four years ago, James Murphy announced the disbandment of James Murphy. At the time, James Murphy said James Murphy’s existence wasn’t sustainable, citing the exhaustion of touring with James Murphy. James Murphy played a “final” James Murphy show in April 2011, filmed for a James Murphy DVD. Now, though, James Murphy has decided to reunite himself for a reunion tour and brand new James Murphy album.
Fans of trendy synth-rock haven’t been this excited since Trent Reznor reformed Trent Reznor in 2013, a few years after breaking up Trent Reznor. And James Murphy isn’t the only exciting reformation to be happening this year. For example, after a brief jaunt as a “solo” artist, Jason Lytle will be back on the road with Jason Lytle. Other successful reformations of recent times have included Evan Dando’s resurrection of Evan Dando and Billy Corgan’s latest stint with The Billy Corgan Band.
Monday, 21 December 2015
Sunn O))) - Kannon & Ball
This project saw the hooded drone duo lighten their mood somewhat by hooking up with Lancashire comedy legend Bobby Ball. The results were every bit as epic as their 2014 collaboration with Scott Walker, if not quite as amusing.
Sufjan Stevens - Carey Lowell
Who would’ve thought that Sufjan Stevens’ most contemplative and emotional record to date would be a concept album dedicated to the actress best known for playing Jamie Ross in the television drama Law & Order? Carey Lowell was also a Bond girl in the 1980s and was married to Richard Gere for a number of years, so there was plenty of material for Stevens to draw on, much of it unbearably sad.
Wu-Tang Clan - Once Upon A Time In Shaolin
I’m happy to report that this is easily the greatest Wu-Tang record since A Better Tomorrow. GZA spits rhymes about science, RZA raps about chess and a posthumous sample of ODB makes a throaty, coughing sound throughout. Inspectah Deck capitalizes on the success of his game-changing 8 Diagrams line “Wu-Tang keep it fresh like Tupperware” by recommending a host of further food-preservation products: “cling film, jam jar, foil, flask or biscuit tin / Hello Kitty lunch box, that’s what I keep my sandwich in ... And don’t forget fridges, bitches!” The album features guest-spots not only from Cher but also Chrissie Hynde and Neneh Cherry, reprising their 1995 charity single ‘Love Can Build A Bridge’, this time transformed into ‘Love Can Build An Affluent Street-Drugs Cartel’. And having lifted dialogue from every vintage kung fu movie ever made, RZA resorts to sampling Steven Seagal’s 2002 box-office flop Half Past Dead.
Sunn O))) - Gammon
A mouth-watering drone-metal tribute to cured pork-leg steak.
Sleater-Kinney - All Sleaters To Love
Some predicted that Carrie Brownstein would never return to music after the success of Portlandia, yet she and comedy partner Fred Armisen eventually realised that you can’t go on forever tediously mocking hipster culture, perpetuating right-wing stereotypes of feminist bookstore owners and pretending to be Japanese. You can go on forever playing in a band though, as The Rolling Stones continue to prove. Like your typical reformation album, All Sleaters To Love paled in comparison to past glories such as 2005’s The Woods but everybody loved it anyway because it’s Sleater-Kinney, it’s 2015, and who else is there to write about?
Courtney Love’s Barnet - Sometimes I Sit And Think, “Live Through This Was Good, Wasn’t It?”
While its owner was busy making cameos in TV dramas and starring in a critically-acclaimed experimental opera, Courtney Love’s hairdo grew tired of waiting for another Hole album and decided to take matters into its own follicles by recording a solo album. It was quite a lo-fi affair but then it is difficult to play your instrument or competently operate a mixing desk when you’re made out of hair and perpetually high off peroxide fumes. ‘Elevathair Operathair’ and ‘Nobody Really Hairs If You Don't Go To The Parting’ were just two of the project’s many highlights.
Sunn O))) - Mmm Danone
A triple-album ambient-noise reimagining of the celebrated yoghurt brand’s iconic jingle.
Mark Lamarr - To Pimp A Buzzcock
Many wondered what had become of ex-The Word presenter Mark Lamarr since he ceased presenting his Radio 2 programme five years ago. Turns out he was only making the greatest hip-hop opus all time. Every bit as powerful as Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On, Curtis Mayfield’s There’s No Place Like America Today and Des O’Connor’s Sing A Favourite Song, the album’s densely packed lyrics explored US race relations, white capitalism, slavery and the social perils faced by ‘50s throwback rockabilly quiff-wearers.
Godspeed You! Black Graperer - It’s Great When You’re Asunder, Sweet And Other Distress, Yeah!
2015 finally saw the release of the long-awaited collaboration between Canadian post-rockers Godspeed You! Black Emperor and Madchester legend Shaun Ryder’s second best band. Featuring tracks such as ‘The Helicopter’s Blades Preempt The Woeful Chalk Parable’, ‘#34-88-eta-FAQ’ and ‘Check Me Shakin’ Me Maracas, Luv’, the music swooped from thin drones to awe-inspiring cinematic crescendos, almost Wagnerian in their power and pomp, making Bez’s ability to dance to it all the more impressive.
Swans - A Very Swans Christmas
This December, Swans’ career reached new levels of success with the release of their first Christmas album. Alongside renditions of ‘Silent Night’ and ‘Ding Dong Merrily On High’ and covers of Slade, Wham! and Mariah Carey were original yuletide compositions, such as the tree-themed ‘To Be Kindling’, a jolly sleigh-bell ballad called ‘You Fucking People Make Me Saint Nick’ and a two-chord industrial noise track on which Michael Gira screamed the words “MOTHER”, “CHRIST” and “LAMENTABLE SPROUTS” for 38 festive minutes. Still, this Xmas LP proved more listenable than that Bob Dylan one.
Wednesday, 11 November 2015
Wow. Is this really Kurt D. Cobain?
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Here we are now, etc.
So, are you in heaven or, erm, elsewhere?
I may be heavier than heaven but that’s where I am. It’s great here, actually. They’ve got all the warm milk and laxatives you could ever want. I much prefer it to earth. Apart from when two-thirds of the Bee Gees try to instigate an impromptu jam session. Then I say I’m suffering from terrible stomach pains and have to go and lie down.
Can you suffer stomach pains in heaven?
Of course not. The Brothers Gibb are a few discos shorts of a night fever, if you know what I mean. Mind you, I still have very bad posture.
What do you make of Dave Grohl’s post-Nirvana career?
Jeez, I just love the Foos. I know everyone thinks I’d hate ‘em but, truth is, if I was still alive I’d be right there at the side of the stage, doing air-guitar to ‘Learning To Fly’ or singing along to that tune about the best, the best, the best of you, the best, the best, the best of you. I think it was called ‘The One’.
What do you make of Krist Novoselic’s post-Nirvana career?
Your old bassist.
Only kidding! Krist is great. Did you ever hear his Eyes Adrift record? That’s the album Nirvana would’ve made after Unplugged. I’d have probably gone into politics too if I’d stuck around. Or at least done a charity 7-inch with Michael Stipe.
Have you ever listened to Bush?
Yeah, man, they’re great too. I’ve got nothing against them putting their refreshing limey spin on the whole grunge thang. Albini worked with them, you know. They’re cool. Just like everybody else, I can't wait for the 33 1/3 volume on Sixteen Stone written by David Fricke.
Tell us about your new album, Montage Of Heck.
Oh, it’s too embarrassing. It's just old home recordings, demos, covers, sonic experiments and comedy skits. It’s like everyone looking at your baby photos. The real solo album I was working on towards the end was going to be far more ambitious and communal. Stipey would’ve been on there, of course. Meat Puppets and Dylan Carlson were invited. Mark Lanegan would be duetting. Not that that’s anything special. That cat’s on everything these days. That gives me an idea for another hilarious comedy skit: “New Track Doesn’t Feature Mark Lanegan”.
What did you actually sing on ‘Tourette’s’?
If I remember correctly, the lyrics are as follows: “Meaty matinee / My dear / Cutting out all the carbs / My diet / Weirdo additives / Calorie-chart / We don’t want Happy Meal / Clean heart.” I was on a health kick at the time.
Did your wife murder you?
Then how come you’re up there? Isn’t suicide a sin?
I didn’t say I wasn’t murdered but I don’t know why you’re all still pointing the finger at my poor wife, you bunch of woman-hating conspiracy nuts. Who’s done best out of my death? Is it genuinely my traumatised widow or is it...
Right! Dave “nicest guy in rock” Grohl. You’ve “got another confession” have you? I wonder what that could be.
No. I’m kidding. Dave’s a great guy.
Are you really Kurt Cobain?
SÉANCE INTERCEPTED - SÉANCE INTERCEPTED - THIS IS THE VOICE OF LAYNE STALEY - YOU MUST FREE ME FROM MY LIMBO AND HELP ME PUT A STOP TO THE ALL-NEW ALICE IN CHAINS - LOOK INTO THE MIRROR AND REPEAT THESE WORDS FIVE TIMES: “CANDYMAN IN THE BOX, CANDYMAN IN THE BOX, CANDYMAN IN THE BOX...”
Thursday, 22 October 2015
Good news for fans of crying to love songs, Adele has revealed details of her new album. I AM 25 YEARS OF AGE will be released on 25/25/15 and its tracklist is as follows:
1) Hiya, Love
2) Send My Love To Your New Lover, My Love
3) I Miss You And All Of Your Love, Oh Loving Lover
4) When We Were Young And In Love And It Felt Just Like Love
5) Remedy For Love
6) Water Under The Bridge Over Troubled Water
7) River of Love
8) Love In The Dark (Dark In The Love)
9) What’s My Age Again? (Blink 182 cover)
10) I AM 25 YEARS OF AGE (title track)
11) Sweetest Love, Loveliest Sweet, Sweet Love, Love’s Sweet (Until It Sours) LOOOOOVE!!! xxx
Friday, 16 October 2015
Jamie XCX (7/4)
C Duncan Bannatyne (3/1)
Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf Alice? (5/1)
Florence & Machina/The Machines of God by The Smashing Pumpkins (2/1)
Róisín Dropkick Murphys (aon déag/trí)
George Eskra (17/3)
If You’re Happy And You Ghostpoet (5/7.4254)
Tippex Din - (Foujrztwyyn/Avril 14)
The Ben Clementine’s Day Massacre (12/4)
Soak Graham Norton (8/900)
Paul Gascoigne Coombes (6.12/8)
Chas & Slaves (4/half a dozen jellied eels)