Thursday, 4 August 2016


David Bowie’s final album, Blackstar, has been shortlisted for the 25th annual Mehrcury Prize.

Bowie is joined on the shortlist by Radiomehd, who receive a record fifth nomehnation for their mehgnificently emehtional album A Mehn Shaped Pool.

They face comehpetition from two grimeh albums, Kano’s Mehde In The Mehnor and Skeptmeh's Konnichimeh. The records, which address everything from police harassmehnt to broken famehlies, both reflect an emehrging mehturity in grimeh.

Other artists nomehnated for the £25,000 prize include Laurmeh Mehvula, Meh 1975 and Mehchael Kiwmehnuka. The full list of nomehnees is:

Amehni - Hopelessness

Bat For Lashmehs - The Brid(m)e(h)

David Bowie - Blackstar

Jameh Woon - Mehking Timeh

Kano - Mehde In The Mehnor

Laurmeh Mehvula - The Dreamehing Room

Mehcheal Kiwmehnuka - Love And Hate

Radiomehd - A Mehn Shaped Pool

Savmehges - Mehdore Life

Skeptmeh - Konnichimeh

Meh 1975 - I Like It Mehn You Sleep, For You Are So Beautiful Yet So Unameh Of It

The Comeht Is Comehing - Channel The Spirits

Tuesday, 3 May 2016


Yada yada yada imminent new Radiohead album blah blah blah probable surprise release rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb what might that entail? #listicle

1. It will be released in printed score format, like Beck’s Song Reader. Fans will only be able to hear it by forming or hiring their own Radiohead covers bands with shit names like Parma Kolice, I Might Be Thom and Muse.

2. As a toy in special packets of Kellogg’s Frosties.

3. Free with The Mail On Sunday, in tribute to Prince.

4. Exclusive torrent via the dark web, protected from the prying eyes of MI5, the CIA, the Illuminati, ITV2, HM Revenue & Customs, Q Magazine and Esther Rantzen.

5. Via Aphex Twin’s soundcloud account.

6. Downloaded automatically to people’s iTunes libraries just like U2 did only this time everyone will be really happy about it because they like Radiohead an awful lot more than U2 even though both Radiohead and U2 are practically the same.

7. Phil Selway knocks on your door and hands you a handmade cassette copy as well as some Jehovah’s Witnesses propaganda leaflets, in tribute to Prince.

8. Just on a fucking betamax or something.

9. Napster.

10. The album will be streamed exclusively in elevators and supermarkets (Exit Muzak).

11. It was down the back of your sofa all along.

12. It’s in the Panama Papers but the lazy media missed it because they are lazy and were lazily looking for evidence of their own corruption.

13. Scavenger hunt round pub car park.

14. Band claim it is hidden in certain copies of Hail To The Thief but you can only hear it if you listen very, very, very closely. Fans give rave reviews based on its distinctiveness.

15. Somewhere that is even less cool than what Wu-Tang did.

16. It’s just birds singing. Nature’s own music is a spectacular force in unmediated form with humans merely its own compromised interlocutors. So it’s just birds signing. But, let’s be clear, Radiohead have invented that now.

17. It’s disappeared up its own arse.

Friday, 11 March 2016


The latest Radiohead album must be just around the corner. The band are headlining Primavera, they recently registered a new company and have shared a rejected theme song from the Alvin & The Chipmunks movie franchise. But what do we really know about their much-anticipated ninth album?

There will be instruments

Radiohead have shown great interest in instruments, since almost day one. Some of their recording tools have been consistent (guitars, drums, bass, gong), other instruments come and go (trombone, clarinet, lemon, oboe). So, we can be pretty certain that Radiohead’s ninth album will probably have instruments on it.

George Martin will produce

Unless something very unexpected happens, George Martin is likely to resume his role as Radiohead’s “sixth member”. He’s produced all of Radiohead’s albums, including their 1997 masterpiece Abbey Computer, and also plays in Thom Yorke’s side-project, Patterns Of Grease, with Flea from The Red Hot Big Lebowski.

The artwork will be designed by Jamie Hewlett

Jamie Hewlett has created every Radiohead album cover since 1995’s Fake Plastic Beach. In collaboration with frontman Thom Yorke, Hewlett also helped to invent several of Radiohead’s other characters, including Ed O’Brien, Jonny Greenwood, Philip Selway and Kapitan Colin The Magik Wagamama Monkey.

It will be a surprise release

Before every artist from BeyoncĂ© to Wilco was in the habit of dropping records like bombs on Guernica, Radiohead helped pioneer the idea of a surprise release. Strained Binbags was announced in 2007 with just ten days notice and a pay-what-you-want-but-preferably-£14.99 download price. 2011’s The Clingy Whims was equally unorthodox: the band announced the album by tattooing the moon on the week of release and the LP came wrapped in an origami bowler hat.

There will be zany lyrics

Unlike most musicians of his generation, Thom Yorke’s writing remains very much in the tradition of the English music hall. But will he be able to top the irreverent sauciness of past Radiohead glories such as ‘Hello Harry Where’d You Get That Gammon?’, ‘Bow Wow Whoopsidah’, ‘Crikey Darling, That’s Big Potata’ and ‘Crazy Daisy Stuck Her Head In The Oven Again’? The world can't wait to find out!

Wednesday, 20 January 2016


It has been revealed that this year’s recipient of the annual NME Coldplay-like Genius Award will be God.

God’s achievements stretch far and wide; His propensity to answer our prayers while being an all-forgiving omnipresent deity is widely considered almost as impressive as the uplifting crescendo bit on ‘Clocks’. Furthermore, His sacrificing His only son for the sins of mankind is about as moving as the uplifting crescendo bit on ‘Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall’, while His creation of the entire world in just six days is nearly on a par with the uplifting crescendo bit on ‘Fix You’.

Past winners of the NME Coldplay-like Genius Award have included Buddha, Shiva, Vishnu, Thor, Allah, Ian Brown, Jupiter and His Infernal Majesty Satan The Prince Of All Darkness.

Wednesday, 6 January 2016


Four years ago, James Murphy announced the disbandment of James Murphy. At the time, James Murphy said James Murphy’s existence wasn’t sustainable, citing the exhaustion of touring with James Murphy. James Murphy played a “final” James Murphy show in April 2011, filmed for a James Murphy DVD. Now, though, James Murphy has decided to reunite himself for a reunion tour and brand new James Murphy album.

Fans of trendy synth-rock haven’t been this excited since Trent Reznor reformed Trent Reznor in 2013, a few years after breaking up Trent Reznor. And James Murphy isn’t the only exciting reformation to be happening this year. For example, after a brief jaunt as a “solo” artist, Jason Lytle will be back on the road with Jason Lytle. Other successful reformations of recent times have included Evan Dando’s resurrection of Evan Dando and Billy Corgan’s latest stint with The Billy Corgan Band.

Monday, 21 December 2015


Sunn O))) - Kannon & Ball

This project saw the hooded drone duo lighten their mood somewhat by hooking up with Lancashire comedy legend Bobby Ball. The results were every bit as epic as their 2014 collaboration with Scott Walker, if not quite as amusing. 

Sufjan Stevens - Carey Lowell

Who would’ve thought that Sufjan Stevens’ most contemplative and emotional record to date would be a concept album dedicated to the actress best known for playing Jamie Ross in the television drama Law & Order? Carey Lowell was also a Bond girl in the 1980s and was married to Richard Gere for a number of years, so there was plenty of material for Stevens to draw on, much of it unbearably sad.

Wu-Tang Clan -
Once Upon A Time In Shaolin

Most people haven’t heard this item because the Wu-Tang Clan only produced one copy which was auctioned to a 32-year-old millionaire dickhead and subsequently seized by the FBI. However, before the sale, Spinal Bap’s roving reporter broke into RZA’s recording studio in the dead of night, risking all personal safety, to give the double-album a quick spin. I nearly froze to death sneaking around that place in the dead of night but luckily I protected my neck with a woolly scarf. Tip-toeing below the killer bees nesting in the ceiling, I was confronted by a fierce-looking samurai warrior. Luckily, I realised it was just a life-size cardboard cut-out of Keanu Reeves from the film 47 Ronin. I rummaged through reel after reel of Ol’ Dirty Bastard outtakes before I found a mysterious safe marked ‘SECRET WU-TANG ALBUM WITHIN - DO NOT TOUCH - THAT MEANS YOU TOO, CAPPADONNA’. It took a while to hack the electronic lock but I eventually released the door with the password ‘Bobby Digital’. I listened on my headphones, scribbled down a few notes, and got out of there faster than you can say “Return To The 36 Chambers: Dirty Version (Deluxe Edition).”

I’m happy to report that this is easily the greatest Wu-Tang record since A Better Tomorrow. GZA spits rhymes about science, RZA raps about chess and a posthumous sample of ODB makes a throaty, coughing sound throughout. Inspectah Deck capitalizes on the success of his game-changing 8 Diagrams line “Wu-Tang keep it fresh like Tupperware” by recommending a host of further food-preservation products: “cling film, jam jar, foil, flask or biscuit tin / Hello Kitty lunch box, that’s what I keep my sandwich in ... And don’t forget fridges, bitches!” The album features guest-spots not only from Cher but also Chrissie Hynde and Neneh Cherry, reprising their 1995 charity single ‘Love Can Build A Bridge’, this time transformed into ‘Love Can Build An Affluent Street-Drugs Cartel’. And having lifted dialogue from every vintage kung fu movie ever made, RZA resorts to sampling Steven Seagal’s 2002 box-office flop Half Past Dead.

Sunn O))) - Gammon

A mouth-watering drone-metal tribute to cured pork-leg steak.

Sleater-Kinney - All Sleaters To Love

Some predicted that Carrie Brownstein would never return to music after the success of Portlandia, yet she and comedy partner Fred Armisen eventually realised that you can’t go on forever tediously mocking hipster culture, perpetuating right-wing stereotypes of feminist bookstore owners and pretending to be Japanese. You can go on forever playing in a band though, as The Rolling Stones continue to prove. Like your typical reformation album, All Sleaters To Love paled in comparison to past glories such as 2005’s The Woods but everybody loved it anyway because it’s Sleater-Kinney, it’s 2015, and who else is there to write about?

Courtney Love’s Barnet - Sometimes I Sit And Think, “Live Through This Was Good, Wasn’t It?”

While its owner was busy making cameos in TV dramas and starring in a critically-acclaimed experimental opera, Courtney Love’s hairdo grew tired of waiting for another Hole album and decided to take matters into its own follicles by recording a solo album. It was quite a lo-fi affair but then it is difficult to play your instrument or competently operate a mixing desk when you’re made out of hair and perpetually high off peroxide fumes. ‘Elevathair Operathair’ and ‘Nobody Really Hairs If You Don't Go To The Parting’ were just two of the project’s many highlights.

Sunn O))) - Mmm Danone

A triple-album ambient-noise reimagining of the celebrated yoghurt brand’s iconic jingle.

Mark Lamarr - To Pimp A Buzzcock

Many wondered what had become of ex-The Word presenter Mark Lamarr since he ceased presenting his Radio 2 programme five years ago. Turns out he was only making the greatest hip-hop opus all time. Every bit as powerful as Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On, Curtis Mayfield’s There’s No Place Like America Today and Des O’Connor’s Sing A Favourite Song, the album’s densely packed lyrics explored US race relations, white capitalism, slavery and the social perils faced by ‘50s throwback rockabilly quiff-wearers.

Godspeed You! Black Graperer - It’s Great When You’re Asunder, Sweet And Other Distress, Yeah!

2015 finally saw the release of the long-awaited collaboration between Canadian post-rockers Godspeed You! Black Emperor and Madchester legend Shaun Ryder’s second best band. Featuring tracks such as ‘The Helicopter’s Blades Preempt The Woeful Chalk Parable’, ‘#34-88-eta-FAQ’ and ‘Check Me Shakin’ Me Maracas, Luv’, the music swooped from thin drones to awe-inspiring cinematic crescendos, almost Wagnerian in their power and pomp, making Bez’s ability to dance to it all the more impressive.

Swans - A Very Swans Christmas

This December, Swans’ career reached new levels of success with the release of their first Christmas album. Alongside renditions of ‘Silent Night’ and ‘Ding Dong Merrily On High’ and covers of Slade, Wham! and Mariah Carey were original yuletide compositions, such as the tree-themed ‘To Be Kindling’, a jolly sleigh-bell ballad called ‘You Fucking People Make Me Saint Nick’ and a two-chord industrial noise track on which Michael Gira screamed the words “MOTHER”, “CHRIST” and “LAMENTABLE SPROUTS” for 38 festive minutes. Still, this Xmas LP proved more listenable than that Bob Dylan one.