Wednesday, 15 July 2015

LIBERTINES ANNOUNCE NEW ARCHITECTURE-THEMED CONCEPT RECORD




The Libertines have finally confirmed details of their forthcoming album, the architecture-based concept album Anthems For Domed Roof.

It is the band’s third studio album and the first since Pete Doherty overcame his previous dependence on various forms of class A drugs with a newfound addiction to old buildings and other physical structures. Anthems For Domed Roof will be released on 4 September and includes tracks such as Chandrashala Me Now, What Katie Zaha Hadid and Gunga Buildin’.

In a recent interview The Libertines confirmed they hope to begin work on their fourth album “as soon as possible”. This one is rumoured to be inspired by Carl Barat’s penchant for hors d'oeuvres, provisionally titled Anthems For Amuse-bouche.


Monday, 15 June 2015

NEW MUSIC WRESTLING MOVES




Show me a musician, and I’ll show you a person who loves wrestling. The rapper Riff Raff is training for WWE. The Mountain Goats and Luke Haines have each penned concept albums about the sport. Insane Clown Posse, Snoop Dogg and The Misfits have all appeared in the ring. Billy Corgan founded Pro Resistance Wrestling and was recently appointed senior producer at TNA Wrestling. So it’s about time the compliment was reciprocated. Here are four music-inspired moves that Corgan and his wrestling boss peers ought to introduce post-haste:

The Mozza
First, lull your opponent into a sedated daze with a public reading of the needlessly repetitive royalties dispute section of your overlong autobiography. Then blind your opponent by thrusting a bouquet of gladioli into their face. Finally, release an agitated bull into the sports arena and laugh heartlessly as the magnificent beast gores everybody to death.

The Sick Beat
For this Taylor Swift-inspired move, fool your opponent into a false sense of security by allowing them to grapple you. Then shake it off. Position yourself over your competitor while turning your back on Nashville. Get them in a headlock and beat them around the ears while whispering popular phrases such as “whatever”, “like”, “oh my god” and “baby”. This will both intensify the suffering of your opponent and win over the crowd by making it look that you are just like them, like. Consider marketing this move as “The $ick Beet” in the hope the real Swift doesn’t sue.

The Sting in the Ring
This is a more elaborate move in which you hold your opponent in a painful arm-lock until they agree to invest in a Broadway musical about Tyneside shipbuilding that literally nobody wants to see. Fire your tag-team partner Jimmy Nail.

McCartney’s Thumbs
Pretend to compliment your opponent by putting both your thumbs up, wobbling your head and going “oooooh”. Move slowly towards them, distracting them with further “ooooh”s, a couple of “mama”s and a “nanana”. Jolt your thumbs into the nose or eyes of your opponent. The “peace sign” can be used if fingers are preferred.


Thursday, 23 April 2015

PARCHMENT STORE DAY 2015: REPORT



As anyone who visited an independent parchment store last Saturday can attest, Parchment Store Day 2015 was a resounding success. 1,500% more parchment was sold than on the previous Saturday and Parchment Store Day 2015 had a 24.3% increase in bound parchment sales and a 97.2% increase in single-sheet parchment sales from PSD 2014. And while some have accused the day of being a bad thing for parchment merchants, it definitely brought a lot of people to independent parchment stalls.

Parchment Store Day was founded several decades ago in resistance to the decline in independent parchment shops and the lamentable rise of WH Smith’s user-friendly A4 Plain Paper Refill Pad.

As is traditional, a number of parchments were created specifically for Parchment Store Day, including exclusive parchments from the likes of Foo Fighters, David Bowie and Ludolph of Saxony (c. 1295-1378).

Unfortunately, some of the rarer Parchment Store Day manuscripts have already appeared for re-sale down the marketplace.


Wednesday, 11 March 2015

TOP TEN RECORD STORE DAY 2015 RELEASES



April 18th is your chance to camp outside an independent record shop in the freezing cold only to find that all the best stuff was either sent to an entirely different outlet or the greedy bloke in front of you basically bought everything just so he could immediately sell it all on eBay.

The list of exclusive releases has just been announced, and here are some of the best:


Gay Dad - Transmission 
The groundbreaking rock group’s second album reissued with extensive liner notes including an in-depth account of that time they overran at Leeds Festival 2001 which meant that Carling Stage headliners Hefner were forced to cut their own set short so as not to breach curfew.

Patti Smith - Complete Album Boxset
...even though you’ll only ever bother listening to the first one and maybe ‘Because The Night’ at a push.

Some reprint of a shoddy punk 7-inch that’s of interest only to the frazzled old speed casualty who has too many patches sewn onto his leather jacket and hangs around the library an awful lot

A Hawkwind Record With A Spaceship On It

Scab-covered Rat Infestation - People Who Don’t Hold The Exact Same Beliefs As Me Are Inhuman Monsters Who Should Be Violently Assaulted 
Timely reissue of the grindcore classic, released on Fuck The Man Records Ltd.

Birdman Original Soundtrack 
Is your Facebook account failing to make you feel self-important enough? Why not spin this tense compilation of free-jazz drumbeats while you yell pompously at your friends, family and colleagues? 

Lou Barlow - The Basement Tapes
Wait, aren’t all Lou Barlow releases basement tapes?

Pink Floyd - The Soft Bulletin 
British prog legends have a right old giggle covering The Flaming Lips’ 1999 album in its entirety TO SEE HOW THEY BLOODY LIKE IT.

Foo Fighters - Here Comes Dave Grohl Thinking He’s Made A Garage Rock Record Again Even Though It Sounds Like An Inarticulate Steely Dan 

Ghostbusters Original Soundtrack
Only listen to this if you are a man. Only men are allowed to make, star in, watch, listen to or enjoy Ghostbusters. Men only, get it? MEN. It’s a bit like all music, in that respect.

Friday, 20 February 2015

NME TO BE FREE WITH FISH AND CHIPS




Plans are underway for the music magazine NME to drop its cover price and instead be given away for free, wrapped around portions of fish and chips. The NME’s owners hope to increase the publication’s dwindling readership because fish and chips remain generally more popular than fold-out posters of Johnny Marr.

High in starch, greasy and often battered, Kasabian’s Tom Meighan appears regularly in the NME.


Friday, 13 February 2015

Must-See Rock Operas 2015




Courtney Love has just received her warmest reviews in about 15 years for her role in the experimental opera Kansas City Choir Boy. The New York Times praised Love’s “bewitching presence”, Rolling Stone deemed the opera “slyly punk rock” and Billboard Magazine called it “much better than you would expect”. As a consequence, every other washed-up pop-star of yesteryear is now jumping on the operatic bandwagon. Here are Spinal Bap’s pick of the many other operas currently in production: (they mainly involve prostitutes and death but that’s high-art for you)

Madama Butterflea
While on vacation from rap-funk group the Red Hot Chili Peppers, bassist Flea moves to Japan, finding temporary work as a male geisha. During this time, he falls madly in love with naval officer Lieutenant Pinkerton, played by Rivers Cuomo from Weezer. Pinkerton sets sail again, returning three years later with the demo tapes for the new Chilis album. They sound so bad that Flea pierces his own neck with the nearest drumstick, bleeding to death as the backing chorus sings a poignant rendition of Suck My Kiss.

Carmen Chameleon
Boy George plays a gypsy prostitute who enchants the local soldiers with his garish make-up and big hat. After a passionate affair with a Spanish military drummer named Don Moss, the Carmen Chameleon decides a career change is in order, becoming a DJ and then a bullfighter. “Do you really want to hurt me?” George sings to the furious, snorting bull. The bull does really want to hurt him after all. It charges, killing Boy George and sending his big hat tumbling to the ground. The bull is cheered by Morrissey.

La Travis-ata
Fran Healy falls in love with a Parisian prostitute. She ignores his warnings that it’s always raining on him, gets drenched when they embrace, contracts a severe case of the indie-sniffles and sadly dies. Unable to bear the pain, Healy beats himself to death with a soggy piece of drift wood.

Lemmyserables 
Escaping the clutches of the evil Hawkwind, Lemmy attempts to begin a new life as a prostitute, finding little work on account of his body odour and facial warts. He is offered the chance to sell his own hair but as that would impede head-banging he instead forms Motorhead. During one European tour, Lemmy considers aiding a group of young, idealistic revolutionaries in overthrowing the French government, resolving that his time would be far better spent drinking, snorting, gambling, fornicating and amassing a dubiously large collection of Nazi memorabilia. No tragic ending this time as Lemmy is indestructible.