Wednesday, 23 February 2011


Noise music’s popularity has been steadily growing in recent years, with increased press exposure, specialist noise festivals springing up worldwide, a bigger presence at cross-genre festivals, and the endorsement and patronage of influential musicians such as Thurston Moore. And now it looks set to finally hit the mainstream, with the announcement of ITV1’s new Saturday night reality series Noise Idol.

The show, which is masterminded by executive producers Simon Cowell, Simon Fuller, and Tommy Keränen from Testicle Hazard, hopes to discover the next British Noise superstar, by auditioning hundreds of budding amateur glitch/drone/feedback artists. In front of a panel of celebrity judges, the contestants will be given the once in a lifetime opportunity to show off their din-making skills by performing either a self-penned composition or improvisation, or a cover version selected from a list of classic Noise hits, including Merzbow’s Degradation of Tapes, Wolf EyesStabbed in the Face, Whitehouse’s Wriggle Like a Fucking Eel, and Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music (Side 4).

On the judging panel will sit No Fun Productions’ Carlos Giffoni, L.A. serial noise collaborator John Wiese, French “harsh wall noise” artist Romain Perrot (aka Vomir), and Britain’s Got Talent’s Amanda Holden. Vomir, who is known for always performing with a bin-bag over his head in order to shut out any distraction (many of his fans do the same), will persist in donning the bag for the filming of the show, and yet will still manage to look less plastic than Holden, with her nauseatingly botoxed face, and dead, dead eyes.

An ITV press insider explained that, although Holden may not be a qualified expert on the Noise genre, she had managed to judge Britain’s Got Talent to great success despite the impingement of having none whatsoever herself. They added that ITV’s ratings were guaranteed to go through the roof every time she forced melodramatic tears down her pretend cheeks, and that, during the pilot, she cried for virtually the entire duration of Sheila from Glasgow’s forty-seven minute repetitive-scrape-jam rendition of Crowning the Fur Purse by Prick Decay.

As is customary, ITV3 will broadcast a sister show directly following the main programme. “Noise Idol Xtra” will discuss each week’s performances and results, victors and evictees, with special celebrity guests, and will be co-hosted by Konnie Huq from Blue Peter and the man from The Haters who always wears some sort of leather gimp mask. "Well, at least it's not Adrian Chiles," joked Huq.

Wednesday, 16 February 2011


Oxford über-whingers Radiohead are currently in the process of rush-recording their new album, entitled Kinky Limbs. Having got carried away with concocting supposedly innovative marketing techniques, and plotting a surprise release date, it completely slipped the band’s minds to actually produce any fresh material.

The release of Kinky Limbs was announced on Monday, to worldwide excitement amongst people who think they listen to “weird stuff” but whose tastes are in reality demonstrably conservative.

A source close to the band told us that Radiohead, who are currently in the studio with producer Nigel Godrich trying to churn shit out quicker than an industrial sewage pipe, are confident that they can come up with the goods by Saturday’s release date, that the band work well to tight deadlines, and that, if need be, they could always resort to throwing in one or two Jeff Buckley covers, or simply producing a collection of inferior versions of their former glories like they did for In Rainbows, a record which nevertheless proved massively successful with listeners who think they like music but don’t really.