Monday, 19 December 2011


PJ Harvey - Let England Milkshake
The formerly principled PJ threw integrity out the window and took a leaf out of Johnny Rotten’s book with this McDonald’s sponsored homage to the dairy-based beverage. Nevertheless, the poetic tributes to the countless bovine who were slaughtered during the late-‘90s BSE crisis will remain poignant for generations to come.

Metallica and Lulu - Lou Reed
Redneck metalheads were appalled when they heard that their favourite band of all time would be collaborating with a short, Scottish, ex-Eurovision singer on a concept album about some bloke who used to be the Velvet Underground. Hearing Lulu wailing on about transvestites, heroin, and Andy Warhol over the top of recycled riffs was jarring at first, but those calling it the worst record of all time are reactionary idiots who stand in the way of progress and deserve to listen to nothing but the best of Phil Collins for the rest of their innovation-hating lives.

Bjork - Biophilia
What do you do if you’re one of the world’s biggest acts and a highly respected cultural figure but you’ve run out of fresh musical ideas? Give your album away for free on the internet? Smashing Pumpkins and Nine Inch Nails got there first. Let listeners decide how much they’d like to pay for such an underwhelming record? Radiohead already pulled that one. Let fans cherry pick their own preferred tracklisting? You’re not as desperate as the Kaiser Chiefs just yet. Apps! That’s it! Apps. Genius. Now nobody will notice that all your songs sound just like other songs you released a few years back. And don’t worry that your exploitation of apps might come across as a desperate attempt by a middle aged loser clambering to stay in touch with rapidly evolving technology in order to reach a broader and younger audience; you’ll never manage to look as pathetic as that twat Niall Ferguson.

PJ Harvey - Let England Bake
The formerly principled PJ threw integrity out the window and took a leaf out of Johnny Rotten’s book with this collaboration with Mary “traditional puddings” Berry and Paul “Simon Cowell of pasties” Hollywood, a tie-in with the hit BBC television series The Great British Bake Off. The album was critically lauded, although there were some complaints that the trilogy of tracks about the cream from a chocolate roulade were merely filler.

Kasabian - Velocicraptor
Apparently Kasabian chose the title because the dinosaur in question “used to hunt in packs of four”. Presumably it also swaggered about like a constipated chimpanzee and had a mating call that sounded like an even shitter Beady Eye.

Josh T. Pearson - Last of the Country Gentlemen
When Josh T. Pearson sings indulgent ten-minute long ballads about a failed relationship backed only by an acoustic guitar he’s hailed as a genius and featured in various reputable end of year polls. When I try it the Samaritans hang up on me. Where’s the justice? Maybe it’s more convincing coming from a man who looks like Warren Ellis’ dead twin.

Chris Brown - F.A.M.E.
Brown silenced all his ‘haters’ on this comeback record by coupling his emotional vocals with beats so phat it was like being held in a headlock, repeatedly punched in the face and told you were going to die while trapped in a Lamborghini. Sean Connery is said to be a big fan.

Jessie J - Who You Are
Critics have long condemned the predominance of French artists at the Music of Belgian Origin Awards. So imagine their disgust when wig-headed amputee-empathiser Jessie J was nominated in five categories, despite being neither French, nor Belgian, nor remotely talented. Still, you can’t argue with the four MOBOs she received, presented to her by such cultural heavyweights as the Managing Director of Stella Artois, some distant cousin of HergĂ©, and David Suchet wearing a moustache.
One of the highlights of the album was the radical, anti-capitalist ‘Price Tag’ which eloquently attacked materialism (or “Cha-Ching Cha-Ching” and “Ba-Bling Ba-Bling”) while persuasively affirming that “It’s not about the money” and “Money can’t buy us happiness”. Reaching number one in the UK singles chart, we are still awaiting the proceeds from this single to be donated to charity.

PJ Harvey - Let England Flake
The formerly principled PJ threw integrity out the window and took a leaf out of Johnny Rotten’s book with this concept album sponsored by Cadbury’s Flake. In a homage to the famous ‘Flake Girl’ advertising campaigns, a promotional video for the album featured PJ suggestively placing the crumbly chocolate phallus between her lips, an act she still managed to make erotic even with a dead crow on her head.

Wild Beasts - Smother
Wild Beasts are four-piece British vocal troupe who first came to prominence when they finished second in ITV’s talent show The X Factor in 2004. The group wowed the audience week after week with their highly original takes on seemingly untouchable pop classics such as ‘Everybody Hurts’, ‘Creep’ and ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’. Despite being runners up, the act were undoubtedly one of the artistic success stories of the series and went on to outsell series winner Steven Brookstein.
Their debut album, G4, was released on 28 February, 2005. It reached Number One on Mother’s Day weekend and sold over 245,000 copies in the first week. Their debut single, a cover of Queen's ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, was released on 14 March, 2005, and entered the charts at #9. Their second album, G4 & Friends was released on 28 November, 2005, and entered the charts at #6. Their third record, Smother, was released on 9 May, 2011 on Domino Records.